my sister really, really hates when Christmas presents take too long to unwrap

victoryjobs:

• so today after I bought her a gift card for her and her husband to her favorite restaurant, I wrapped the box it came in
• 
• put it in another box stuffed with tissue paper
• 
• wrapped that box
• 
• put that box in a bigger box
• 
• taped that box shut
• 
• wrapped the big box
• 
• wrapped it again in tissue paper
• 
• put it in a bag filled with tissue paper
• 
• and put a bow on it
• 
• merry Christmas, I’m an asshole :)

Me most of the year: Want that. Want that. Want that.
Me near my birthday & Christmas: I CANNOT THINK OF A SINGLE THING I WANT.

swalloween:

do you ever go to school confident in what you’re wearing and then like you actually get there and you’re kind of just like wow well that was a terrible idea 

me: hi i'd like to place an order
dominos: okay what can i get for you
me: uhm hold on, hey babe you wanted a large pepperoni right?
my empty apartment:
me: yeah we'll get a large pepperoni

tequilafilledsummers:

hey kids, if someone’s pressuring you to drink alcohol or smoke weed, they’re not cool, they’re fuckin rad as hell and you should definitely do it

writing your suicide note in MLA format